Many Years Later in 1987

The journal pages tried to document just what was in the journal and with minimal comments from me. Believe me, as I created each page, I wanted to add a lot of comments from my thoughts now. I think its for the better that I did not - the journal should stand on its own, as it was written at the time.

That said, this addition to the epilogue is a place for me to express some feelings and thoughts that occurred many years later in 1987 when Tiffany sang the song Could've Been. It stuck me like someone had just shot an arrow through my heart.

It brought back memories that I had smothered down to where I seldom thought of them and it did somewhat break my heart because I could better understand the degree of a lost life that I possibly could have had. In short it was a tragedy for me that happened eons ago and that I had no possiblity of doing anything about it. Once again, you should read this with some leeway, our brains do weird things with old memories.

If you've read the journal and the letters from Christy, you know we didn't continue our relationship after our times in Kalaoch and in Seattle after 1971. We did write each other up until 1974 but it became more and more clear that we were moving down different, incompatible, paths in life.

We saw each other a few times during that period and did some funs things, but we didn't date (unlike earlier).

Over time it became harder and harder for me emotionally to see her and to hear from her about her dating.

In time, I knew I had to break contact to let myself heal. I think she also knew after a time that we should just let each other to get on with our separate lives.

That happened in 1974.

Then in 1987 a song came out that unexpectedly brought all those times vividly back to me. It was Tiffany's song Could've Been.

x Couldv'e Been

Click on the album cover if you want to listen to the song.

I think this is a great song, though heartbraking for me. There are many meanings and interpretations that have been written about this song but I don't agree with all of them. I take the song rather simply, it's about a failed relationship that had great potential ....if only things had turned out differently.

Simplistically, the meaning is pretty self-explanatory, its all about what a failed relationship could have been, and what she wanted it to be, but in the end it just didn't work out. Many people can relate to the lyrics which is what makes it such a good song. I love it, partly because it hit's home with me.

The song was written by Lois Blaisch, who recorded it in 1983 when she signed a deal with George Tobin. Her version was never released, and a few years later when Tobin discovered Tiffany, he had her record the song and released it as her second single. Tiffany's version has the same musical backing as Blaisch's original. It was a #1 hit in the USA, where it stayed for two weeks.

Like Alfred Lord Tennyson's belief that 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all', this song arrives at a similar conclusion, as Tiffany sings:

Still what could've been is better
Than what could never be at all

As a side note, Lois Blaisch really was looking at dead flowers when she wrote the opening lines in this song:

The flowers you gave me
Are just about to die
When I think about
What could've been
It makes me want to cry

By 1987 I'd dated and gotten to know a number of women, some were great dates, some were disasters. I'd gotten married in 1977 and had a good marriage at that time (1987). But I digress, so back to Christy amd me.

Couldve Been

You've already read how I mistook Christy and Karen for US Navy WAVES, that is young women who were in reality much younger than I realized, as in Christy was actually two years younger than me, so she was 18 years old when I thought she was 20 years old. I did not find that out until years later, long after we had broken up. So that was obviously one major relationship mistake on my part.

The next major relationship obstacle was when Christy got pulled into the Evangelicalism groups. You can see this is some/most of the letters that she wrote to me. Having just graduated from a Catholic High School, where I was taught by the Jesuits, I was already well steeped in knowledge about Jesus Christ and the Bible. To me, Evangelicism seemed very close to being a form of a cult. It still does.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wow, I'm skipping around in this post, aren't I?

June 22nd, 1971 is when I met Christy (and Karen) at Kalaloch Beach State Park campground. Christy and I hit it off together rather quickly, I think when we were in the ocean holding hands and bouncing in the waves and she kept subtly pulling my hand to her breast was an interesting start.

The trip to Port Angeles, our time there which was pretty wild, and that evening is something I'll never forget and that I'm lucky to have survived with Christy's making out with me while I was driving the tiny Volkswagen on a two-lane, busy, country road full of logging trucks and tourists. At one point, she put her lips smack on mine and her head and wild frizzy red hair completely obscured my forwad vision. (See the picture, not Christy but her hair was just like that - imagine it right in front of your face! And yes, she did have that look in her eyes!) Luckily I safely pulled off in a turnout on the side of the road and gave her the attention she wanted.

And then on the 25th they had to go home and I had to stay at Kalaoch as I was waiting for mail from home. But Christy asked me to see her in Seattle when I got on the road again. On June 24th I got the letters from MaryFaith and Mom that I was waiting for.

Origionally I was going to head south to go along the coast to Los Angeles. Instead me and my little VW Bug went a bit east and then north to Seattle on June 28th where I got to see Christy again, met her family, and we went out on a date to see a movie! Over the next three days Christy and I had a series of dates, did a bunch of fun/frisky things, and I tried to get Christy to go with me on my trip and finally to New York. That she wouldn't do, but she still wanted to stay in touch. Finally on June 29th, I left Seattle to continue on my Big Trip. I knew I had more growing up to do, but it was with a very sad heart that I left.

Note that this was all before she got really interested in Evangelicism.

I don't think I knew enough at that time to recognize how I was feeling - I was in love and probably had no clue about that.

So I headed down the coast to have more adventures. On July 31st in Ojai, California (near Los Angeles) I got letter dated July 23rd from MayFaith that brutally ended that back-home relationship. There was no explanation why but I have some suspicions about what information was being given to her.

It is interesting that there is no mention of girls, etc on the whole month-long trip from Seattle to Los Angeles. That lasted until July 31st when I was speculating about what Mom & Dad would think if I brought a girl home with me....and it seems that the only girl that I was thinking about in that regards was Christy. And the breaking up letter that I finally got from MaryFaith and read on July 31st must have turned my world upside down.

It seems I set up a side trip to Albuquerque and then back to LA to take a couple back to New York by heading up the coast and then across Canada. HHHhhhmmm, that happens to go through Seattle. And I say in the 1971 Big Trip Journal Maybe I'll see Christy again. That should be nice. (Maybe, just maybe, I could get her to come with me - that's something I should think about.)

At that point I stopped writing in the journal. I was moving fast, long hours of driving and probably was too tired to write. The VW Bug broke down in Yreka, California, and I didn't have enough money to fix it, so that was a huge thing on my mind. The two hitchhikers who were going with me left, so that meant money was even tighter.

The journal says: So that would have put me in Seattle around August 24th. I had about 13 days to drive ~3,400 miles to get back to Long Island by September 7th. I was probably short of money. I had a lot of things on my mind.

So what happened in Seattle? I don't know....I have zero memory of it. I had to have seen Christy. There's no way I would have left Seattle without seeing her.

I'll take a guess at a couple of things. I probably tried to get her to go to New York with me and got turned down. Hopefully I didn't pressure her too much and gracefully accepted her reasons why not. I probably also saw that the relationship we had from Kalaloch & Port Angeles was irrevocably changed and gone.

So I can see why I might have blanked this memory out.

Editorial from hindsight - Even at this stage, I don't think I had truly processed how young Christy was. I think I was acting as if she was a fully independent young woman, not a 17 or maybe 18 year old girl. I wish I could say I was more intelligent than that, but I don't think that thought ever crossed my mind... and certainly the significance of it was oblivious to me.

So back to the Could've Been song.

This song really pulls my heart strings. Oooohhh, the lyrics!

The girl I met at Kalaloch started to become a very different person as she was drawn further and further into Evangelicism. The song's words:

The sweet words you whispered
Didn't mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we begin to sing

describe how I felt as I watched Christy's personality change from 1972 on. I also knew I was changing, learning a lot about people at WSU, and choosing the best traits that I could for myself (One of which was to be more open to people I had just met.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So could Christy and I made it? Part of me says Yes but it would have been crazy and hard on so many levels. Looking back I can totally understand Christy, an 18 year old girl/woman, would think it crazy to leave her family, friends, next-year college, and life to go with a crazy New Yorker for a completely new life. I apparently was crazy enough at that time to think it was quite possible. Or maybe crazy in love....that nothing would have stopped me. Yes, it could've been possible with enough love and hard work.

Part of me says No but that part comes from living through 73 years of experience. I may be crazy at times but usually my brain kicks in and counters that craziness. That brain part obviously was not working when I talked to Christy about coming with me.

In regards to that I came across this article - How Early Is Too Early To Get Married. Not that I was exactly thinking that far ahead at that time to marriage, but these are very valid things that an about-to-be couple should be thinking and talking about. We only touched on a couple of those important items.


























I look at this and think, How young and naive could I possibly have been???. Apparently quite young and quite naive!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Something else that I find quite interesting (and sad)....

As I've picked up little bits and pieces of information about Christy over the years, I've found there are some broad similarities. On one hand, that doesn't mean anything, on the other hand, I think it shows there are significant compatibilities between us.

First one triviality - I got married in 1977, Christy got married in 1978. Perhaps we just met five years too soon....

We both liked sailing, owned a sailboat, she on Puget Sound and I on the Stockton Delta, then Whiskytown Lake, and finally on San Francisco Bay. We both worked on wooden boats that we had, they built one, the 19 foot Lightning we had was always being repaired by building next sections of it.

We both water skied

We both liked camping and went camping each summer. Speaking for myself, I've been to a lot of the National Parks and I love being out in nature.

We both liked playing in creeks in the wilderness.

We've both done a variety of other outdoor activities through the years.

Based on the jobs we (or our spouses) have had, we did professional type work and earned some decent salaries. That is, we were basically middle-class folks.

We both worked for 35 years and then retired.

We both had and liked old cars to work on and drive around.

In addition to work, we've been volunteers is community organizations.

We both have owned houses with views, either bodies of water or mountains. The houses are nice, a bit larger than average, but not super expensive/ostentatious.

We both liked building and repairing things around our houses.

She has kids, however I don't but if my wife wanted kids when we we younger, that would have been fine for me. I'm somewhat like a big kid anyway.

There are almost certainly other things that I don't know about, maybe somewhat similar, maybe not.

But is it possible we could've made it as a couple? I'll never know. We sure got along quite well in Kalaloch and the few dates afterwards ...... but that was not real life. In 1971 I would have loved to get the opportunity to find out but it was not to be.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm going to put a bunch of information about Evangelicism here at the end of this post - feel free to skip it if you wish.

Below is what Wikipedia (a source I consider quite reliable, says about Evangelicism. You can skip it if you wish.

From Wikipedia:

One influential definition of evangelicalism has been proposed by historian David Bebbington. Bebbington notes four distinctive aspects of evangelical faith: conversionism, biblicism, crucicentrism, and activism, noting, "Together they form a quadrilateral of priorities that is the basis of Evangelicalism."

Conversionism, or belief in the necessity of being "born again," has been a constant theme of evangelicalism since its beginnings. To evangelicals, the central message of the gospel is justification by faith in Christ and repentance, or turning away, from sin. Conversion differentiates the Christian from the non-Christian, and the change in life it leads to is marked by both a rejection of sin and a corresponding personal holiness of life. A conversion experience can be emotional, including grief and sorrow for sin followed by great relief at receiving forgiveness. The stress on conversion differentiates evangelicalism from other forms of Protestantism by the associated belief that an assurance will accompany conversion. Among evangelicals, individuals have testified to both sudden and gradual conversions.

Biblicism is reverence for the Bible and high regard for biblical authority. All evangelicals believe in biblical inspiration, though they disagree over how this inspiration should be defined. Many evangelicals believe in biblical inerrancy, while other evangelicals believe in biblical infallibility.

Crucicentrism is the centrality that evangelicals give to the Atonement, the saving death and the resurrection of Jesus, that offers forgiveness of sins and new life. This is understood most commonly in terms of a substitutionary atonement, in which Christ died as a substitute for sinful humanity by taking on himself the guilt and punishment for sin.

Activism describes the tendency toward active expression and sharing of the gospel in diverse ways that include preaching and social action. This aspect of evangelicalism continues to be seen today in the proliferation of evangelical voluntary religious groups and parachurch organizations.

And this post from Gerard Deepak is quite interesting:

What is the difference between evangelical and Catholic?

There are not many differences according to me, as both evangelical Christians as well as Catholics worship the same True and Eternal God, Jesus Christ. Neither do Catholics not the Evangelicals worship any other God but Jesus Christ.

Both the Evangelicals and the Catholics believe in the Trinitarian God, The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit as One God. However, the Doctrines of the Church and the Way of Worship may vary in both these Churches.

Lets see the Faith of the Catholics:

Catholics are not different, they are the first form of Christians. The Catholic Church is formed from the Early Apostolic Church, Hence the name of Catholic Church is One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. Catholics do not worship Mary, but they seek the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary, the Most Holy Mother of God, and Honor her as Mother and Queen of Heaven. Catholic Church is Sacramental in nature and is quite organized. The highest order of worship is the Most Holy Eucharistic Celebration (which is a community prayer), celebrated everyday except on Good Friday (where there is a different service. However, the Church Mandates, Sunday Eucharistic Celebration (Holy Mass), as obligatory. However, the Holy Eucharist has the Liturgy of the Word (Which Breaks the Word of God into two readings, one responsorial Psalm and the Proclamation of the Gospel), Liturgy of the Eucharist (Breaking of the Break that includes Offertory, Eucharistic Prayer, Consecration and Post Eucharistic Prayers). Between the Liturgy of the Word and Eucharist, we have Homily and the Profession of Faith, which makes the Sunday Liturgy, a complete service. However, Bible classes are optional, as is conducted in the local parish on other days. Even, charismatic catholic retreats and prayers are conducted in every diocese or parish, on a weekday or Saturdays where Evangelical Praise and Worship, Proclamation of the Word and even Prayer in Tongues is exercised. But not many Catholics attend these as it is not made mandatory by the Church. Apart from this Catholics believe in Intercession of the Saints (Communion of the Saints) and usually prayer the novena.

Lets see Evangelical exercise of faith:

They are totally Bible Based and Proclamation of the Word is done, but with a very high intensity and impact. The Word in Evangelical preaching has a much more impact as it is preached aloud and trust me I really do like it, although I am a Catholic. They dont believe in intercession of Mary nor the Saints, which I personally do not align with. (Since I am a Catholic, I have got real good answers in Saints Communion and Prayers to the Blessed Mother Mary. When I cannot pray, I ask the saints to pray for me.) Eucharistic Celebration (Communion) may not be a part of Evangelical service, but now off late, Evangelical services have started communion like once a month, not every day or every Sunday. However, they do not consecrate the Host as it is done in Catholic or orthodox churches, but bless the bread and distribute. They have worship in tongues, healing sessions and Praise and Worship which is amazing. (Catholic Charismatic Prayers and Retreats are also following this off late, as a part of their revival).

These are the comparisons.

Catholic Church is Doctrine Based and there is a reason for each of its teachings. Evangelical is really dynamic. I truly feel that, every Christian has a right to Choose His/Her Church. It depends on individualistic perception. I am happy as a Catholic and I am also a Charismatic person in the Catholic Church. Some people love loud music and impactful preaching, then choose Evangelical. The focus must be Jesus ultimately, wherever you are. But changing denominations (like many do in this era) constantly is not advisable.